Monday - February 26, 2024

From Gloom to Zoom

July 13th, 2010

Everybody has a “grouchy” day now and then. Today was mine. If I\’d met “Little Miss Mary Sunshine,” I\’d probably have beaten her to a pulp. Yes, I know the Queen doesn\’t normally feel icky, but after a night of tossin\’ and turnin,\’ I stumbled to the kitchen only to find that Mr. Coffee had died. I began looking for fresh meat. THE SON hid, and the cat moved out. Wimps. Luckily, I remembered what my beloved humorist, Daddy, used to say. “Whining is for sissies, kiddo. You always have two choices. Whine about it, or change it.” Course this is also... Read More

Being in Charge

June 14th, 2010

I was excited knowing the grandbeauties were due for another sleep over. Wearing my “grandmother of the year” ego, I verified the normal supplies were available. Popsicles, CHECK Crayons and the “graffiti on walls” speech, CHECK Lunch/supper/snacks in the shape of cartoon characters, CHECK Movies without violence or crime, and music by that purple dinosaur or yellow sponge thingy, CHECK All systems were go. I was prepared. I was in charge. They arrived. It didn\’t take long to realize that my being in control was a joke. After exhausting all of the printer ink for online... Read More

Mercury is Retrograde and Picking on Me

May 12th, 2010

It\’s written that the planet Mercury goes retro a few times a year. This means it spins backwards for some unknown reason, for an extended period, then dashes forward almost spastic like, in a big way. Big deal. I used to date a guy who would do that while dancing to Saturday Night Fever. However, it turns out this IS a big deal. At least to me and some of my friends. Supposedly, a retro means that everything that can go wrong does. Keys are lost, appointments are missed, people lock themselves out of their hotel room standing in their pajamas (it wasn\’t me, but for fifty bucks... Read More

Staying in the Moment

April 12th, 2010

This month I\’m taking a serious mode of writing. That is, as serious as a humorist can write. Of late, I\’ve noticed more and more I borrow trouble. In other words, I forget that today is all I have, or ever will have, and that yesterday is insignificant. It\’s gone, kaput, can\’t change it… done…over…period. Nonetheless, and even though “staying in the moment” makes perfect sense, I\’ve found myself borrowing trouble for what could happen, while in reality, right now is what counts. So for my today, I\’m setting aside the fact that my toilet wants... Read More

One of Those Days

March 15th, 2010

Just once before I die, I want to have one of those incredible days. You know the kind where everything goes your way. Almost like magic is in the air. Ones you\’ve read about where people find a wallet and turn it in to the authorities. Voila! They\’re given a thousand dollar reward. Or, they answer the door to find Ed McMahon standing there with balloons, flowers, and a check the size of my waistline. Your hair and makeup have never looked better, and those jeans that previously cut off all circulation, fit like a glove. Maybe your son uses your car… and he fills up the tank…... Read More

The Top 10 Rules for Calling Your Friends at Home

February 12th, 2010

If these are not laws, they should be. There is nothing more annoying than those adorable people you love calling and breaking all the rules of phone equit … ah … eqi … ah … manners. Phone manners. People who break these rules are probably the same people who go through the 10 Items or Less checkout at Wally World. Oh, you mean you don\’t count 12 cases of cokes as one? I bet they\’re double-parked, too. So here are the Top 10 Rules for Calling Your Friends at Home. Nev-ER, ev-ER call your friends when they are watching their favorite TV show. This is grounds for de-friending.... Read More

If We Were Meant to Fly…

January 14th, 2010

Ever heard the old saying, “If we were meant to fly, God would have given us wings?” Well, trust me, we don\’t have um, and we can\’t fly. Although some of us try. 2010 Lesson Learned: When you try to cram everything into one minute of time, you really need to reassess your pace. Picture this…You\’re rushing around trying to finish an article, the thoughts are flowing, the muse is on your shoulder and both of you are loving it. You two are actually laughing at your own stuff. Life couldn\’t be sweeter. DING! You get an email saying deliver the article post haste.... Read More

T\’was the Fight Before Christmas
(Don\’t try this at home)

December 14th, 2009

They are evil. Every one of them. My sisters, my brother-in-laws, nieces, nephews, even my mom. Evil I tell you. One of my sisters, who will remain nameless here and in my Will, decided we should forgo gifts last year. She suggested we buy a “$1.00 to $10.00” gift and play the game, Dirty Santa. Oh sure. Like you can buy a gift for a dollar? What about tax? Not that I tried, mind you. Ahem. This game is like seeing your favorite item sold on Ebay right out from under you at the last minute; and all you can do is stare in disbelief. It is a game that pits sister against sister, son against... Read More

Saying NO to Strays . . . and other things that will never happen.

November 13th, 2009

I\’m pretty sure I run a half-way house for animals. In fact, I believe there must be a sign out front that says, “Drop off your unwanted canines and felines here. This is the place. Her lips may say NO, but her heart says me casa is su casa.” Enter the latest…Miss Kitty. Original, yes? Here\’s the scoop (no pun intended)…Miss Calico Kitty was just “there” one day and I, being the master at having my way, ignored her completely . . . for approximately one hour. Sigh. My son said, “Mom, you might as well run to the store and buy cat food.” No way, no how. Not me,... Read More

The Fact of the Matter is…

October 14th, 2009

We need a “Hug Your Humorist” month, day, or year. Why not? After diligent research, I found that we celebrate: The Bilingual Child Month – mine have been bilingual every since they were teenagers. Have you ever tried to understand a teen? Not gonna happen. They have a language all of their own. The Class Reunion Month – I\’m pretty sure this coincides with the “Discounted Gym Membership” month. The Month of Free Thought – Better hurry and get all of your thinking in this month ‘cause next month, you pay. The National Kitchen and Bath Month – this is usually when I clean... Read More