Stressed Out Women, Here’s Your Sign

By Leigh Anne Jasheway
NABBW’s Boomer Humor Expert

Sometimes it seems that “stressed-out” is a synonym for “female.” The inability to take a deep breath or live in the moment because we’re too busy rushing into the next one causes physical, mental, and emotional problems, but for some reason many women take pride in the fact that they never have time to relax. I’m surprised there’s not a Girl Scout badge for “Multi-tasking” by now.

There are sure signs that you’ve let too much stress in the front door. For example, if your inner child wants to be adopted by someone who has more time to play with her – that’s a sign. If you get so anxious driving that there are permanent teeth marks on your steering wheel – that’s a sign. If you wish your cell phone had a defibrillator app just in case – that’s definitely a sign.

If you recognize any of these signs, then you may want to read your stress horoscope for this month.

BUT, keep this in mind… everything in the Zodiac world has changed (why should it be any different than the real world?) and apparently all of our signs have shifted (just like parts of our bodies). I used to be a Sagittarius/Scorpio cusp – charming, passionate and bad with money – and now I’m a Libra – indecisive gullible and bi-polar… hey, wait a minute. That’s not me. Yes it is. No, it’s not…

To be on the safe side, just read all the horoscopes and choose the one that speaks to you today.

Capricorn – You’re always a hard worker, but to say you’ve been overdoing it lately is like saying Lady Gaga dresses a little over the top. Now is the time to put aside your to-do list, your Blackberry, your iPad and your 15 cups of espresso, and take a nice deep breath. You remember breathing, right? Breathe in, breathe out. Just don’t inhale so deeply you suck up the cat.

Aquarius –Free-spirited Aquarius, you get stressed out by taking on too many projects because you think that if you do things for people maybe one day they’ll return the favor by cleaning your house when you’re away at work or doing your taxes for free. And really, if that hasn’t already happened, what are the chances? You really need to learn how to say no, nein, nyet, oya, haw, yok, na’a, or chox (those are all versions of “No” in other languages; pick your favorite and use it often.) If you’re a single Aquarian, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to start dating a massage therapist. Your whole year will go a lot better.

Pisces – Why are you always attempting the impossible? The chances of you finishing your blog while cooking dinner for twelve friends and touching up your roots are as low as the chance of you learning to breathe underwater. You may be a fishy sign, but you haven’t yet grown gills. And no, flaky skin doesn’t count. My advice to you is to put a fish tank in your house and learn to let your worries float away. The good thing about fish is that they never need to be driven to soccer practice or a ballet recital, nor do they text you complaints about your driving from the back seat.

Aries – You have to admit that you are often moody and impatient. “Am not!”  “Are too!” A great way for you to maintain a more even emotional keel is with a little aromatherapy. Buy yourself some candles to set the mood you’d like to be in for the day, but resist your impulse to buy two opposing scents such as “Relaxed” and “Perky.” Better yet, avoid candles and just go with room spray. You know how forgetful you’ve been lately — don’t want to set any more fires than you’re already trying to put out.

Taurus – Your tendency to get over-anxious in public can lead to trouble, like that time you bit off the fingernails of the woman sitting next to you on that long flight across country. To calm yourself, try visualizing something that makes you feel peaceful inside, like a large Golden Retriever lying in the sun. Now he’s scratching himself, now licking, now scratching some more. Hey, that’s not peaceful at all. Sorry I brought it up.

Gemini – Despite your pride in your ability to multi-task, there are some things you should never do at the same time. Like cooking dinner on your in-dash grill on the way home from work. Or applying eyelash growing solution while having a bikini wax. You need to learn to focus on one thing at a time. Like that minivan you’re about to hit because you’re reading this on your commute home!!! However, since you are also psychic and intuitive, I really didn’t have to tell you any of this, did I?

Cancer – A few yoga moves would be a great idea right about now, unless you’re in the middle of making a major presentation at a conference. Although that would crack people up, especially if you put on your old gold Spandex leotard and zebra-striped legwarmers from the 80s. Maybe that is exactly what you should do – aim for being as silly and stupid in public as possible so you can forget about trying to be perfect all the time. Ooh, ooh, I’ve got it… put those shoulder pads back in all your blouses. That ought to be good for a few laughs.

Leo – You pride yourself on your intelligence, so why not put your stress in check by checking out one of the latest online books on the subject?  You can’t go wrong with What Color is My Blood Pressure; Men are from Mars, Women Have to Clean it Up; or Chicken Soup Someone Else Made Always Tastes Better.

Virgo – Your desire to take care of others is admirable, but please stop going into your neighbor’s house when she is away and de-cluttering. Didn’t you learn your lesson the last time she called the police and you had to explain that you weren’t stealing her stuff, you were lightening her load? Here’s a new concept: how about trying to take care of yourself instead? You remember you, right? She’s that woman in the mirror who looks somewhat like you, only with a few more crows’ feet and gray hair. I bet she’d love it if you treated her to a day at the spa and some dark chocolate.

Libra – It’s okay to use press-on nails, but press-on clothes?  That’s a little too much. And aren’t you tired of eating your Lean Cuisine™ frozen? Your dentist probably is. Why not try taking a few things off your to-do list, your to-do-later list, and your to-do-whenever-there’s-an-unexpected-free-moment-like-when-I’m-in-the-shower list. Maybe you’ll even find time to pull your pantyhose all the way up before you leave the house.

Scorpio – Your coffee habit isn’t healthy. Especially now that you’ve taken to chewing used coffee grounds for your afternoon pick-me-up. Try water instead. You’ll be less jittery and your pupils may return to their original size, which will make it easier to explain your speeding rationally to the cop who pulls you over every week.

Sagittarius – Is it really necessary to fast-forward through those sounds of nature CDs you bought to relax to? That Alvin and the Chipmunks sound isn’t really all that relaxing, now is it? Maybe it’s time for a vacation: sand, surf, sun anyone? Call a stressed-out girlfriend or two and head for sunnier climes. Or at least buy yourself a grow light and put on some flip-flops and listen to some Jimmy Buffet music.

Leigh Anne Jasheway, M.P.H. is a stress management and humor expert who helps women and men manage stress, embrace change, and become healthier by learning to lighten up. She speaks at 50-60 conferences and workshops every year and has been a national Speaking of Women’s Health and Healthy Woman keynoter. She’s a member of the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor (AATH). Learn more about her at her website. Leigh Anne’s new book, “Confessions of a Semi-Natural Woman” (a collection of 99 of her funniest humor columns from the past ten’ish years – including the one that won the Erma Bombeck Humor Writing Competition – is now available at www.accidentalcomic.com)

Leigh Anne Jasheway, M.P.H. is a stress management and humor expert who helps women and men manage stress, embrace change, and become healthier by learning to lighten up. She speaks at 50-60 conferences and workshops every year and has been a national Speaking of Women's Health and Healthy Woman keynoter. She's a member of the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor (AATH)