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Who Am I?

The Miracles of Modern Technology

By Leigh Anne Jasheway
NABBW’s Boomer Humor Expert

I applied for a credit card with a rate lower than my IQ the other day. I called the company, thinking that would be easier than filling out forms online because whenever I apply for something online I end up on the phone with someone eventually anyway, holding my now-dented mouse in one hand and blood pressure medication in the other.

A nice man named Tom, who had a sweet southern drawl that caused my own latent Texas accent to come roaring back, led me through the process. Towards the end of our conversation, he said he would ask some questions about my history to verify that I was who I said I was.

“Which of the following addresses have you ever lived at?” [Yes, you and I both know that\’s a grammatically incorrect question, but I was not going to interrupt him and put my 6.9% APR at risk]

My heart started to beat faster. I\’ve lived in my current house for 18 years and plan to be here forever or longer, if I can manage. And my general memory for things is three years at best. I knew I could be in trouble.

Tom rattled off an address I didn\’t recognize. “Nope, I never lived there.” Then another that had no familiar ring. And it was in Indianapolis. I\’ve never lived in Indiana. But wait, ex-husband #2 did.

“Uh, I think that may be where my ex-husband lives,” I noted. Apparently, when it comes to credit, neither death nor divorce do you part.

“Uh, I think that may be where my ex-husband lives,” I noted. Apparently, when it comes to credit, neither death nor divorce do you part.

“Yeah, that was mine, I think,” I said brightly. Then, “Nope, that was my most recent ex\’s mother\’s address. He lived with her for awhile before…” I trailed off because I could hear the sound of Tom typing at the other end. Probably something about how someone who had been through two husbands couldn\’t be trusted with her own credit card.

He then changed his approach and started asking about vehicles I had owned. Really, is that fair? Except for the Honda Accord which I loved like it was one of my dogs (and after 15 years of hauling canines around it in, it may well have had enough doggy DNA to qualify for adoption at the local humane society), I don\’t know the make and model of anything I\’ve driven. I\’m a girl — ask me about the brand of make-up I wear or what scent I prefer in my shampoo.

I made some guesses and Tom typed some more.

“Just one more set of questions,” Tom said. “Other than a house, can you name one major purchase you and Ian made?”

Ian, I wondered, who is Ian? It took me a full minute to realize who he was talking about.

“Oh, you mean Ivan, my first ex-husband.”

I could hear poor Tom trying to stifle a chuckle. I jokingly said “Ian” and I didn\’t purchase anything big because he was that cheap. Tom didn\’t laugh; he just continued typing.

“Well, that\’s it, ma\’am. Your application will be processed and if approved, will arrive in 2-3 weeks.” He exhaled slightly and I thought I heard him whisper, “Don\’t hold your breath.”

Leigh Anne Jasheway, M.P.H. is a stress management and humor expert who helps women and men manage stress, embrace change, and become healthier by learning to lighten up. She speaks at 50-60 conferences and workshops every year and has been a national Speaking of Women’s Health and Healthy Woman keynoter. She’s a member of the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor (AATH). Learn more about her at her website. Leigh Anne’s new book,Confessions of a Semi-Natural Woman(a collection of 99 of her funniest humor columns from the past ten’ish years – including the one that won the Erma Bombeck Humor Writing Competition – is now available at www.accidentalcomic.com) She also has a new blog. Of if she says, If you go there and like what you see, you can subscribe by clicking the subscribe button (who knew?)”

Leigh Anne Jashaway-Bryant Mistress of Public Humor

Leigh Anne Jasheway is a comedy writer, comedian, humorous motivational speaker and wiener dog wrangler. She is the author of 25 published humor books, including Not Guilty by Reason of Menopause and Bedtime Stories for Dogs, and has been included in more than 2 dozen anthologies. In 2003 she won the Erma Bombeck humor award for her true story on how her mammogram caught on fire. When she’s not writing or making people laugh, she’s tossing a ball 7,000 times in a row for her dogs.

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