In Praise of Granny Panties

By Leigh Anne Jasheway

NABBW’s Boomer Humor Expert

I took a friend lingerie shopping recently. She\’s been married for two years now and it\’s time for her to switch to comfortable undies. Let\’s be truthful here – if you\’re still wearing thong panties, you\’re probably still dating.

I have six pairs of thongs. I use them to stake up my tomatoes in summer. In the winter, I make little hammocks for my hamsters.

Eventually there comes a time in every woman\’s life when the words “Granny Panties” no longer strike fear in a her heart.

This is at the point when she starts calculating just how much of her time she spends digging her sexy underwear out from places it doesn\’t belong. And wonders how many times she\’s been caught doing just that on camera and then has to spend all night checking YouTube to be sure.

What has always struck me as odd is that men have no hesitation referring to any type of underwear that covers a woman\’s backside as “Granny Panties,” but they can pull their tighty whities up to their nipples and parade around the house thinking they look like George Clooney. That testosterone is one powerful drug.

I took my friend to Victoria\’s Secret because she figured she could get something cute and comfy there. Ha! Personally, I think Victoria should have kept her secret to herself and we\’d all be a lot better off. It\’s her fault men think that all women should dress like supermodels, who often parade around in their matching bra and panties at the beach with a come-hither look on their face.

I\’m mumbledy-something years old and have never felt the urge to wade into the surf in nothing but my skivvies. My bra and panties almost never match either. Heck, my boobs don\’t even match – I have a B cup and a C cup. The left one\’s an overachiever. And I must admit my “come hither” look is really more of a “she needs her meds adjusted” look.

There are many things you can buy to wear underneath it all that you really shouldn\’t. For example, anything with pearls where the backside should be. Now don\’t get me wrong – I\’m originally from the south and I enjoy a good string of pearls. Grace Kelly wore pearls, for gosh sakes. Just not where the sun don\’t shine.

You just know the idea of a pearl thong had to come from the testosterone-laden brain of a guy during halftime. No woman would willingly create an idea so heinous. Because while a pearl thong might look good on a supermodel with no cellulite and legs that actually do go all the way to there, the rest of us are not so lucky.

Real women have real needs. Like sitting down. That\’s not going to happen in one of those. Nor is walking. You\’d take a few steps, that sucker would ride up and you\’d have to shake your leg like an epileptic horse to adjust yourself.

Why can\’t we women just be happy with underwear that fits well, doesn\’t bunch up, and costs less than a tank of gas? 99% of the time our undies are hidden under our clothes, and the other 1%, well, he\’s over there in the same pair of briefs he\’s been wearing since high school thinking he\’s all that.

I think our best bet is to save the $135 a pair of pearl thong panties would set us back and spend it on a tube of testosterone instead. I just rubbed a little on and I feel better about myself already.

Leigh Anne Jasheway, M.P.H. is a stress management and humor expert who helps women and men manage stress, embrace change, and become healthier by learning to lighten up. She speaks at 50-60 conferences and workshops every year and has been a national Speaking of Women’s Health and Healthy Woman keynoter. She’s a member of the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor (AATH). Learn more about her at her website. Leigh Anne’s new book,Confessions of a Semi-Natural Woman(a collection of 99 of her funniest humor columns from the past ten’ish years – including the one that won the Erma Bombeck Humor Writing Competition – is now available at www.accidentalcomic.com) She also has a new blog. Of if she says, If you go there and like what you see, you can subscribe by clicking the subscribe button (who knew?)”

Leigh Anne Jasheway, M.P.H. is a stress management and humor expert who helps women and men manage stress, embrace change, and become healthier by learning to lighten up. She speaks at 50-60 conferences and workshops every year and has been a national Speaking of Women's Health and Healthy Woman keynoter. She's a member of the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor (AATH)