By Leigh Anne Jasheway
NABBW’s Boomer Humor Expert
Anyone who watches any television at all must believe that most women over 30 spend 95% of their time trying to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles and lengthen and restore their eyelashes.
If I see 20-year-olds hawking anti-aging creams or that model with the shiny eyelashes long enough to get caught in her earrings one more time, I may just have to get Botox to rid myself of the semi-permanent scowl these commercials have caused.
We\’re all a little vain — I DID comb my hair before leaving the house this morning and check to make sure my skirt was NOT tucked in my pantyhose — but imagine if we freed up all that time to do more important things such as demand no one interfere in our right to reproductive health care, buy up all the Etch-a-Sketches and put them up for sale on e-Bay, or even just breathe.
Breathing is really good; I highly recommend it. Of course, you may have to take off your body control garments or control top pantyhose to get the full benefits. I imagine breathing probably would make lashes grow too.
Every study I\’ve read shows that anti-aging creams don\’t work, yet there\’s a new one promising us miracles every few weeks or so. “You\’ll look 65% younger if viewed from 10 feet or more in low light while wearing something so revealing no one will be able to focus on your face.”
Or some such nonsense. I\’m tempted to bottle up some Oregon rain, toss in a little moss for color and authenticity, and sell it as an anti-aging mist. It sure does keep my skin moist through most of the fall and winter. And spring. And summer. I have 55 gallons of the stuff in my rain barrel and all I have to do is climb on my roof for the moss.
The research on growing new eyelashes says it can be done, but only if we\’re willing to accept itching, redness, eye color change, and lashes that look like squashed tarantulas every time we put on our reading glasses. I\’ve never heard anyone tell me why insufficient eyelashes are a problem. If so, why don\’t men need to worry. Or is it okay that they comb their ear hair over their eyes?
By the way, there are disadvantages to too-long eyelashes. I wore my first fake eyelashes while dressed as Lucille Ball and keynoting an “I Love Lucy”-themed conference recently. At one point, I blinked and the 2″ lashes obstructed my vision temporarily, long enough for me to pitch forward off the stage. Boy, did I have \’splainin\’ to do after that.
Forget wasting your money. Just toss a towel over the mirror if you must and make friends with people who could care less how deep your lines are or whether you have lashes long enough to swat away flies. Or, if you really want to spend some money, I\’ve got some mossy anti-aging water just for you. After all, trees never look a day over 50.
Leigh Anne Jasheway, M.P.H. is a stress management and humor expert who helps women and men manage stress, embrace change, and become healthier by learning to lighten up. She speaks at 50-60 conferences and workshops every year and has been a national Speaking of Women’s Health and Healthy Woman keynoter. She’s a member of the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor (AATH). Learn more about her at her website. Leigh Anne’s new book, “Confessions of a Semi-Natural Woman” (a collection of 99 of her funniest humor columns from the past ten’ish years – including the one that won the Erma Bombeck Humor Writing Competition – is now available at www.accidentalcomic.com) She also has a new blog. Of if she says, “If you go there and like what you see, you can subscribe by clicking the subscribe button (who knew?)”