I\’m sitting here munching on a pineapple, peanut butter and mayo sandwich, wondering what all the hype is about. Seems like everywhere I turn, somebody\’s trying to tell me how to eat, dress, or close the gap between me and my dating cycles. Trust me, you\’d have better luck sewing up the Grand Canyon.

I think what puzzles me the most is how someone who doesn\’t know me, can know so much about what\’s best for me. Every other day the scientists who write those medical journals come out with a new study that shows _____ (Fill in the blank) causes cancer. Everything is bad for you. Then the next month, they take it back. When I was growing up, that was called a “do-over.” Is it just me, or do you think scientists should be allowed “do-overs?” Why not just wait and be sure? Now there\’s a concept!

Their findings usually go something like this:

“…This just in for news in the medical world today. The New English Sheepdog Medical Journal (I can never remember their name) says that after testing 42 lab rats, they\’ve determined that breathing secondary air can cause cancer.”

Uh huh. Zat right? Well, have you ever tried a pineapple, peanut butter, and mayo sandwich? If not, go for it. Live on the edge. You don\’t have long anyway since you\’re breathing in all that secondary air, and listen, not only is it deeeelish, but you get your fruit, fat, and dessert, all rolled into one sandwich. What could be healthier?

Advertisers would tell me to cut out the mayo, the bread, dish the peanut butter, and eat berries (in the woods mind ya), while stretching my body into unnatural positions, humming a vowel, and learning to be one with nature. Now don\’t get me wrong, nature is a good thing, in its place; like—ah, in nature.

In my opinion, if we were supposed to live and eat outside in the woods, then how do you explain inflatable mortgages? Or casseroles, diet coke, and let\’s not forget CHOCOLATE!

Hello people? Do you really think these things came along just so we could say, “Ah, no thanks, I\’ll just stay out here listening to thunder and dodging lightening bolts as I gather up a few nuts, some raw squirrel, and oh yummy, tree bark!”

Don\’t know bout you hun, but I\’m taking my chances with cable TV, the microwave, and of course, lots of chocolate. And not necessarily in that order, either.

Happy Valentine\’s Day!