What can I say about Thanksgiving that hasn\’t been said before? Do I mention the overeating, which I\’m pretty sure is a law somewhere, or at least a requirement at my family\’s table, or do I talk about family and the ties that gag-uh, I mean bind?

How about I tell you how every single year my family plots behind my back via cell phones and late night conversations to have me NOT COOK. It plays out the same, identical scenario, year after year. They haven\’t caught on yet that I don\’t even WANT to cook. Hello? I show up, eat, do a few dishes, and leave. What\’s not to like?

The yearly saga, As the Turkeys Baste, happened again, just yesterday. Same as usual. My sister Brenda, the negotiator, called and said:

Brenda: Hey sis…Just thought I would get the Thanksgiving menu going. What are you bringing for Thanksgiving? (You couldn\’t think of one, single, solitary NEW thing to say Breezy?)

Me: (My standard, pat answer) what would you LIKE for me to bring? I\’m as wide open as a case knife.

Brenda: (This is where her suck-up-ness kicks in) Ah, well…you know…your deviled eggs are to die for, and we (collectively, this means her, Mom and the rest of the traitors, my other three sisters, have all agreed they don\’t want me to cook) thought that maybe you could double the recipe this year. You knowwww, they are the first to go! Hey, what the heck-triple it even! That way, if there are any left over, I can take them home with me.

Me: (What\’s this? Something new? Triple the recipe? You go girl!). Sure. No problem. And what else would you like me to bring?

Brenda: (Dead silence, but I\’m pretty sure she\’s going down a list of past Thanksgiving items I brought that weren\’t burnt, mutilated, or still alive). Oh, here we go-I mean, ah, why not bring a dessert? Yeah, that\’s right. A dessert won\’t kil-I mean, ah, if you don\’t have time and we ALL (the same traitors) knowwww how busy you are, just stop off at the local bakery and grab something. Get anything. (Did I hear exasperation in that last statement? Begging?)

Me: (I always throw something like this in for shock value…teehee) Okay, no Prob-Blem-O, sistah! But since you brought it up, I have this NEW recipe I\’ve wanted to try. It\’s called Turkey in the Spud. See, you take mashed potatoes and divide them up. Then you put them in the shape of individual turkeys. Then-yo-(sistah-interrupt-ous).

Brenda: Ah-you know what? I gotta run. But look at you! Doesn\’t that sound yummy! Why don\’t you save it for Christmas? Amy (traitor known as sister #3) has the potatoes covered, the beans, homemade rolls, and dressing, and I have the rest. You just bring those yummy eggs and ONE (no need to shout Breezy), dessert. Can do?

Me: (holding back giggles)…Can do, sistah, can do.

Lightweights. They just don\’t get it. I win again.

Happy Thanksgiving to all-and if you aren\’t celebrating Thanksgiving, then just “Happy.”

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