It finally happened, folks. I got the midlife wake-up call from my body. I figured that once the elastic broke and the duct tape gave way, it was time. Every day, here I go; walk, walk, walk; three miles. Why me? I have wondered. I have four tiny sisters and although I\’ve signed them all up for the Chocolate of the Month Club, the ingrates haven\’t gained an ounce. Life is just not fair sometimes.

I had another helper though in this decision to get fit—photographs. Photos of family get-togethers like Christmas, and even more recently, birthdays. However; the coop de bawl came in the form of a photograph a friend sent me from a trip we\’d recently made. There I was–smiling like the cat that ate the canary and having a grand old time, and looking like . . . sigh . . . a bowling ball with teeth.

I\’m fluffy; therefore I walk.

Realizing that Oreo\’s are no longer my friend, I started a vigorous lifestyle change of healthy eating, aggressive walking, and measuring of my large self on a regular basis. I even wrote it down. On paper. Of course, realizing this vital info could fall into enemy hands, I wrote it all in code, then transferred that into my high school form of Pig-Latin. You remember that, right? Nix-a the gum-a. Tea-cher-a-behind-a. Pretty brilliant, huh? Then I put it all in French. Sort of. Wish I had paid more attention in class. About the only French I can remember is French Fries.

I\’ve been walking now for two months and because I am of a sharing nature, I wanted to give some tips to my fans. Both of you.

Tip #1 – If you walk in a neighborhood with a dog that bites, you can immediately turn your lackadaisical walk into a full blown gallop; thereby burning extra calories.

Tip #2 – Wear a headset and dark glasses. You can sing along with the oldie-goldie station at the top of your lungs and hopefully, the neighbors won\’t know it\’s you. Wigs are optional. Keep a stout lookout for dogs.

Tip #3 – Never, EVER, wear roller skates thinking to cut your walk in half. Think BONES. BRITTLE. AND FAST DOGS.

And last but not least—

Tip #4 – If you lock your house when you leave for a walk; take a house key. This can be very handy when you return smelly and exhausted; and especially if you\’ve had a large glass of tea before you left. Ahem.

Walk; and do so daily if possible. Go to a gym, a Mall, or the track at the local high school. Walk up and down your driveway if necessary; but walk, my friend. Do something. Get up off that couch, put down that Oreo, and move. I want your heart to love you like I do. QJJ

Copyright© 2008. Queen Jaw Jaw. All rights reserved.

Georgia Richardson Author, Speaker, Southern Humorist