Queenism: Step awayyyy from the swimsuit section. It\’ll make you cry.

Forgetting this tidbit of knowledge, I went shopping for a swimsuit. How hard could it be? After all, I\’m a comfortable size 10, right? No need to answer that, it\’s one of those retro questions.

Previously at the store, the “twenty-something” sales clerk had been somewhat helpful, or so I thought. She “sized” me up and down; inserting giggles here and there. I remember thinking, “poor thing” she\’s obviously inflicted with some sort of nervous disorder. All I did was ask for the “Size 10” section. I\’ll admit it had been years since I\’d purchased a new suit, but so what? I still have the same body as then, just a tad more of it. Ahem.

She suggested “boys cut” leg style for the bottom of a two-piece swimsuit I was admiring. Now I know why. You can fit a small boy in each leg. But I have to admit I did like the overall look, so I moved on her suggestion and bought the swimsuit without doing a test drive. Big mistake, with “big” being the operative word.

I pulled, I tugged, I screamed and I hollered. And that was just getting the tag off. Once “Operation Sardine” started, the REAL torture began. After hours of struggling to get the handkerchief on, I threw it back in the bag and took off to see Miss I\’ve-never-given-birth-so-what-do-I-know-about-stretch-marks-and-menopause Person.

I told her there must be some mistake. I was sure the suit I\’d purchased was sized wrong as it was extremely too tight. And she needed to call another salesclerk over to “hear this one?” I think not.

At any rate, I still liked the suit. So against my better judgment, but going with their suggestion, I went up a size.

Later that afternoon as I was returning the suit, the salesclerkS, (there were three of them now) assured me (insert more giggling), that 16 was the new 14, so why not try that size? They added that some people “my age” like to just wear shorts to the beach. I was not amused. I bought three more suits, all in different sizes, colors, and leg styles. I\’d show um. I WOULD be wearing a bathing suit to the beach if it killed me, or strangled me, as the case may be. Leaving the store, I silently put a pox on all three of them … that their children would grow up hairy and dateless.

All in all, it worked out well. After much trial and error, lamenting and gnashing of teeth, I DID go to the beach, and I DID wear a swimsuit or should I say swimsuitS. I like to call them mix and match. A little tear here; add a little more material thereeeee…

You know what they say, “Duct tape will fix that.”

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