Waking up every morning for a week with my back in a “locked” position convinced me the twenty-year-old mattress might need replacing. Some say I\’m a pack-rat and cannot throw things away. I prefer frugal. Besides, I accidentally removed the tags from it when I bought it twenty years ago and I\’ve been waiting for the statue of limitations to expire. I don\’t look good in stripes, or orange.

Buying “large ticket” items goes against my tightwad— ah, frugal grain and puts me in a foul mood from the get go, and of course whenever that happens, I somehow become a magnet for the salesperson from Hell … It never fails. I walk in to Ed\’s Beds and Mattress Kingdom and I\’m met with–

“Hellllllllooooo, I\’m Marvin and I\’ll be putting you to bed today!”

Now don\’t get ahead of me but you and I both know what I was thinking at this point, right? In your dreams Marvin. AnyWAY … I wasn\’t there to find my next Ex. I needed a mattress and I needed one that would last another twenty years and be my last. After that, the nursing home could provide them.

Anyhoo, don\’t you just hate salespeople who “sing” hello to you when you enter a store? I began with —

“Marvin, I need a new mattress.” I stopped and thought, why did I just say new? Hmm … I continued with, “I don\’t need a box spring (his face fell two inches), just a mattress. No bells and whistles and no pillow-top, just a mattress. (His face continued to fall). And I don\’t want to have to mortgage the house to buy it.” Whewwwww… I took a breath.

Apparently Marvin was counting on making the payment on his new car, his next vacation, or alimony because he suddenly turned from being “Marvin the Singer” to “Marvin the Stinker.”

“Well let\’s see, you want a strip-down (much emphasis on next word) economy model with no pillow top, no super-duper-rock-me-to-sleep inner springs, no NASA-approved stuffing, and I suppose (he slung both hands over his shoulders as if to say heaven forbid) in WHITE? Does that about cover it?”

I responded with, “Yep.”

He then said rather loudly for the entertainment of the rest of the customers in the store, “I don\’t think we have anything THAT cheap. I\’d have to pick that up at the Salvation Army.”

Not a good move Marvin.

Matching octave for octave, I said, “Hey great! So when you go by there to pick up the rest of your suits, could you pick me up one?”

Don\’t ever try to out-stinky da Queen – You won\’t win.

Queen Jaw Jaw
The Queen of Baby Boomer Humor

© Copyright 2005-2008

Georgia Richardson Author, Speaker, Southern Humorist