It\’s Hard Being Me
Achew! ‘Cuse me. Seems that even Queens get the flu. However; being the martyr I am, (insert heavy sigh) I broke down and traveled to the grocery store on Saturday. Even people on their deathbeds gotta eat, right?
I applied no makeup as that would have required strength, and wore raggedy clothes because they were the first thing I put my hand on in the closet. As I passed the bathroom mirror, I saw a hairbrush on the vanity. Knowing I needed to conserve my energy for pushing the grocery cart, I passed it by. Trust me, I didn\’t give a rip. I\’m telling you; da Queen here didn\’t c-a-r-e.
The trip was sheer torture. Every few miles I had to blow my nose…cough, wet my pants, and repeat.
I\’m glad to say I actually made the entire grocery-buying experience and didn\’t expire. I was so happy that if it hadn\’t required muscle, I would have smiled knowing I was victorious.
But then, as I was blowing my nose I thought, “Oh crap, I have to put these groceries UP once I get home.” With my mind on my upcoming burden, I literally flew right past a state trooper. Unbeknownst to me, he whipped in behind my flying machine just as I managed to stick TWO…count um……..TWO individual Kleenex tissues up each side of nose. One on each side….to hopefully stop the runny nose. Yet when I saw the flashing lights behind me, I promptly forgot all about the Kleenex.
State Trooper\’s have a way of scaring us. We lose all reason when those flashing lights go on. Sure enough, the lights began to flash and I began searching my mind for valid excuses. I remember thinking, “Oh h-e-double hockey sticks…now I\’m going to get a ticket. What else can happen?”
Tip to readers: Don\’t EVER say that.
He approached the window but jumped back, and I thought, “Idiot…hasn\’t he ever seen an old woman without makeup?” And then I silently wondered to myself, “How old is he? 10?”
Anyway, he asked for my license and registration and said, “Ma\’am, did you know you were doing 64 in a 45 mile zone?” I wanted to say, “Was that all?” But I didn\’t dare. Besides, he was grinning from ear to ear and I thought, “Great, he\’s happy because I probably made his quota for the day.”
I said, “No officer (I lied to the law, I\’m going to burn in hell), I didn\’t. To tell you the truth, I have the flu and I didn\’t even know I was driving. I just want to get home. This is my first trip out of the house in a week and getting home was all that was on my mind. I\’m so sick.” Course all of THAT was the truth. My voice told him I was really sick…thank the good Lord above.
Anyway, he took my license and proof of insurance and went back to the car to have a soda, lunch, or to write the great American novel. I\’m not sure which, but Doogie Howser was gone for over twelve minutes and now, I had to ah, well—ah um, let\’s just say nature was calling. I knew if I coughed, it was all over and if this trooper thought I was drunk or on drugs, or heaven forbid he ask me to get out and walk a straight line, I would have wet pants. I just thought, “What the H….everything else has happened…why not a ticket? Or even jail time?” I gave in to it all, sighed and laid my head on the steering wheel.
Doogie came back and said, “Ms. Richardson, (still smiling), I\’ve lowered this to 59 miles per hour and I\’m giving you a warning. Be more careful. Now go home and go to bed.”
What intelligent young men they have on the force nowadays. This was my thought as I drove off and looked into my rear view mirror to make sure he wasn\’t following me. And THAT is when I saw the Kleenex sticking out of each nostril. Don\’t you know he told that one around the dinner table that night?
I\’m telling ya Hon, its hard being me.
