Recently I received a taping of a speech I gave in another state. I was mortified. I called Mother immediately and asked, “Could my hair have looked any worse?” She said, “Ah, well yes, there was that tim-” Why do people answer you when you ask these kinds of questions?

I decided it was time to go in search of the perfect DO. Notice how “hip” I am with the lingo? I use to call it “hair-do,” but learned that noooobody says that anymore. It\’s called a DO. No, don\’t thank me, I enjoy passing on knowledge as I gain it. I do what I can.

I began my search in earnest. I went straight to the local grocery store and began scanning the mags (what we in the biz call magazines . . . more knowledge). Buying as many different copies of DO mags as my cash could stand, I took them home and began cutting out styles that matched my idea of great DO.

Just as I was about to close one mag, an article caught my eye. “How to Find the Perfect DO for You!” I was elated! This was exactly what I needed. According to the article, all I had to do was visit their Website and fill out a simple form. Once completed, they\’d send me a picture of the perfect DO for me. I couldn\’t get to the Internet fast enough. These wonderful, talented people had solved my problem. Bless them. Or so I thought.

Arriving at the site, I immediately gave them all of my very personal data, including weight. Oh I know. Normally I wouldn\’t go that far, but hey, this was for the perfect DO! I would have given them my first-born for that kind of info. Wouldn\’t you? Here are a few of the questions I answered:

a) What age group would you say you fall into? Old
b) What is your height and weight? ___ and ___ (oh puleaseeee . . . did you REALLY think I would put it here?)
c) What is the color of your hair? Gray
d) What is the texture of your hair? Sandpaper
e) What is the shape of your face? Droopy
f) Is your hair short, medium, or long? Yes

After hours of filling out the form and giving them very intelligent answers, AND waiting not-so-patiently for the results, I received this email from them saying:

Dear Most Valuable Client:

After passing around your completed survey form to everyone in the building (Have you called Jenny yet?), we\’ve come to the conclusion that you need to shave your head. Even duct tape won\’t fix that.


The staff at __________Magazine

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