When my oldest son became ill, I spent nearly at week at the hospital, night and day. I discovered many things about hospitals that I am inclined to share.

First and foremost, repeat after me, “This ain\’t no Holiday Inn™.” The sooner you get use to that idea, the better. Also, there are 397 possible positions of those so called “fold-out” chair-beds. Most of them can be viewed in any Chinese Torture book.

Staff nurses think only of the patients. What\’s up with that? Would it kill them to bring me coffee when they first hear me fall out of the chair-bed? A muffin? Hell-O? Get ready for them to roll their eyes and give you that, “I\’m much to busy to bla…bla…bla” thing. There\’s a whole bunch of them to do that other stuff, and only one of me. You do the math.

You WILL meet Mr. Security if you fill up their surgical gloves with water. Oh puleaseee…like they never have. And don\’t even think of asking to wear one of their precious white coats. Well, la-dee-dah… who wants too anyway? Everybody knows white makes you look bigger.

Wrapping yourself up like a mummy with gauze then hiding behind a door until just the right moment will NOT win friends. Trust me on this one. It\’s a hospital for crying out loud. They don\’t have more gauze? And just exactly what do these people do for fun? One more thing…NONE of their computers has games on them, much less Internet access. No email…nada. And get this, they don\’t want you to TOUCH them for Pete\’s sake just because they are hooked up to the operating rooms. Who knew?

I\’m convinced hospitals must buy their toilet paper from gas stations. Would somebody tell me who actually makes this stuff? Whoever it is, bet they don\’t use it at THEIR house.

One more thing…Is it me or do all of the doc\’s look like kids on a class field trip?

While I\’m on the subject of doctors, don\’t even make the mistake of asking questions. It is written, doctors are Gods. And if you ask, the Gods they will be angry. Be grateful for the nanosecond spent with you and your loved one which will be followed by a bill closely resembling the National Debt.

In my next life I\’ve decided to come back as a hospital chair-bed designer or maybe a toilet paper manufacture. If these people can sell to hospitals all over the world, I want in on it. Either that or a doctor. Just think, I could tell all those people who\’ve made me mad to “bend over, this won\’t hurt a bit” and better yet, I\’d get paid big bucks for doing it!

© Copyright 2005-2008

Georgia Richardson Author, Speaker, Southern Humorist