A friend recently gave me a sign that says, “The Queen is not accepting an audience today.” And today is one of those days. At least until my language improves.

(Insert heavy-duty, royal sigh here)

Have you ever bought a product that required “some light assembly” only to find that the manufacturer speaks with forked tongue? I want to date that guy because he obviously doesn\’t know “heavy” from “light.”

Opening the box, you find an instruction sheet with pictures (thank the good Lord) but also inside is a bag of 1,002 MINI pieces. Each piece has an identifying, corresponding number engraved on them that only a mosquito could read.

You need a magnifying glass just to find and separate each piece in the bag and to match them to the beautifully, detailed illustrations on your “10 Easy Steps for Assembly” instruction sheet which, by the way, could double as a tablecloth. A high-powered microscope, such as one scientist use to identify strains of hairs or DNA, would come in handy to be able to see the corresponding numbers to the “10 Easy Steps for Assembly” pieces.

To add insult to injury, the Manufacturer failed to include the instructions in English. I\’m sure this isn\’t a problem for anyone who speaks four other languages, however; its been said I\’ve barely mastered my own, much less French, Spanish, German, and Russian.

I have to know . . . who in Russia bought a 2007 Backyard BBQ and Bird Feeder Combo? (That just screams “party,” doesn\’t it?) Anyway, I didn\’t even know they had BBQ\’s in Russia, or birds . . . for that matter. Seems to me that birds would freeze to death. Maybe they have little coats and hats for them too? No wait, I bet their birds are penguins. That\’s a bird, right? I realllllly should have paid more attention in school.

So here I am trying to muddle through the “10 Easy Steps for Assembly” sheet and drawing on my college days and my two courses in Spanish. Now THAT was a hot professor. Mamma Mia! What a hun—ahem. Cough. Ahem. Sorry. Too bad I didn\’t pay attention then either. All I learned to say was, “Si. Much grass.” So here I was trying to read the instructions when the phone rang. It was a follow up call from the “10 Easy Steps for Assembly” Company. I kid you not. Seems the “in-store” warranty I\’d paid extra for had lead them to me.

They said, “Hello there you savvy buyer! By now we\’re sure you\’ve been enjoying the outdoors with plenty of sunshine, tasty BBQ, and of course, the sound of happy birds! We\’d love to hear from you. Why not press ONE on your phone now, and tell us how much you LOVE your new 2007 Backyard BBQ and Bird Feeder Combo?”

Ah, revenge can be sweet. Here was my chance! I started salivating. But before I let her rip, I ran into the kitchen, grabbed my Diet Coke and a few Oreos, ran back, jumped into the recliner and pushed back to position myself to fully enjoy my forthcoming rant. I cleared my throat and said, “Greetings you stup—” Ding! Ding! We\’re sorry, but at this time we can only accept French, Spanish, German, or Russian. Have a great Grilling and Chilling day!” Click.

I bet you\’re wondering what happened to the 2007 Backyard BBQ and Bird Feeder Combo, eh? Well, let\’s just say that somewhere in the back room of a local Wally World there are several employees saying, “If you\’ll just hold still Mac, I think we can dislodge it.” Pain is understood in ANY language.

© Copyright Queen JawJaw 2005-2007

Georgia Richardson Author, Speaker, Southern Humorist