De-Mystifying “Vicky-D\’s”
- “My
mother expects me to take care of her, even though I have a husband,
children, and a job. But she\’s SO grateful when my brother
calls once a month!” - “When
I ask my parents about their health they freak out and shut down!” - “All
I did was mentioned to my father that I\’d like to help him
with the finances and suddenly the conversation took a dark turn.
Now he won\’t even speak to me!” - “Taking
care of the house is overwhelming my mother but she won\’t
even talk about getting help or moving.”
Sound familiar?
Frustrating? If so, you\’re not alone. A lot of adult children
want to help their parents or other aging loved ones but when they
try to have a conversation, even though they\’re using the
same words, for some reason the words don\’t seem to have the
same meaning.
In fact, one
client put it perfectly when he said: “You know that book
Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus? Well, men may
be from Mars and women may be from Venus but sometimes I think my
parents are from an alternate universe!”
They\’re
not from an alternate universe, of course. They\’re “Vicky-D\’s”
and they\’re from an opposite generation!
What
is a Vicky-D?
When referring
to seniors collectively, a commonly used term is “Depression-Era
Generation” because the Great Depression had a deep and profound
impact on them. But as hard as it may be to imagine, seniors who
are today in their early- to mid-80\’s, were actually born
at the end of the Victorian Era. When the Great Depression hit,
it didn\’t replace their Victorian attitudes, it only added
to them – creating “Vicky-D\’s”.
But it was their
Victorian upbringing that shaped their core beliefs and attitudes
– and with which family members are struggling the hardest
today.
“Traditional”
Female/Male Roles Defined Them
- The Victorian
Era was a time of very strictly defined and very “traditional”
female/male roles. The women were homemakers and mothers –
the care providers. The family and home was their domain and their
identity. The men were the breadwinners and professionals and
earning and managing the money was their identity.As a result, today Vicky-D women may be relieved to give up handling
the finances, but most will resist having someone in their home
to cook or clean, will fiercely resist moving, and will generally
have a harder time settling in when they do move. Conversely,
Vicky-D men may be less resistant to moving but most will strongly
resist giving up handling the finances.
Traditional
Roles Set Up Family Expectations
- Vicky-D\’s
are very proud and may not ask for help or admit they need it.
In a time of need, they simply expect their daughters
(and daughters-in-law) to take of them. Problems arise not because
daughters aren\’t willing to help (never mind the
fact that they have their own family and jobs) but because they\’re
rarely asked for their help and their efforts are seldom
acknowledged. (It\’s what they\’re “supposed”
to do.) But when there are “business” decisions to
be made, Vicky-D\’s will turn to their sons.
Don\’t
Ask, Don\’t Tell
- Vicky-D\’s
were raised never to talk about personal things (especially money
or health) with anyone, (not even professionals or their own children)
and not to question authority (especially professionals like doctors).
As a result, Vicky-D\’s may not provide “personal”
information, won\’t ask questions, and may be embarrassed
by their children who to talk openly and freely about very personal
things and rarely hesitate to challenge authority. Ultimately,
if it confuses, scares, or embarrasses them – they just
won\’t do it!
Now that you
understand some of the reasons why Vicky-D\’s are the way they
are:
- Look for
opportunities to have conversations with Vicky-D\’s. The
more you practice, the easier it will be to anticipate and avoid
words that have been “flash points” with the Vicky-D\’s
in your life. - Respect
and accept their generational attitudes. You may have to change
your own behavior to get them to change theirs but it will be
worth it as you find yourself able to positively influence their
decisions.
