The Miracles of Modern Technology

By Leigh Anne Jasheway
NABBW’s Boomer Humor Expert

It seems as if there are new inventions almost every day using computer technology, from sunglasses that you can view movies on to watches that access the Internet. While these are fine ideas for people who are capable of walking and watching reruns on 30 Rock while listening to their iPod and reading the latest Stieg Larsson novel on their Kindle, I can’t even walk and talk without falling down. Nor can I see my SmartPhone without having to get out a pair of reading glasses. How smart can it be anyway?

I think it’s time to focus high tech development on products that would benefit women, including:

The Memory Bra – This bra would be equipped with a computer chip that remembers where your breasts were ten years ago, and use a tiny hydraulic lift to make the appropriate adjustment necessary to get them back into that position. In order to prevent anyone from hearing the slight noise of the hydraulics in operation, the Memory Bra would play a few notes from your favorite oldies song while it worked.

Memory Shoes – As long as we’re talking memory, I know that my computer always seems to have extra and I have none. Why not a pair of shoes that use computer technology to remember why you walked into a room so you don’t have to stand there looking like an idiot as you wait for your worn-out brain cells to kick in (if they ever do)? Of course these shoes should come in two styles – fashionable (for preventing brain malfunctions at restaurants and fancy parties) and comfortable (for the rest of your memory-impaired life.)

Infrared Indoor Goggles What parent or grandparent hasn’t walked down the hallway at night, stepped on a Lego or 8-legged transforming creature, cursed a blue streak, and then wondered where her children get their language? Why not a stylish pair of infrared goggles that warn of the Barbie and Hot Wheels car-obstacle course that lies between your bedroom and the bathroom?

Teen Chat Frame – If you spend any time around teenagers, you know how hard it is to carry on a conversation with your offspring. You’d have just as much luck talking to any of your major appliances. Actually, now that I think about it, most refrigerators and dishwashers are far more communicative than the average fifteen or sixteen-year old. Enter the Teen Chat Frame. Simply insert an 8 x 10 photo of your favorite surly teen, turn the switch, and you can interact with your kid any time you feel like it. A sample chat would go like this:

You: So how was your day?

Teen: Pretty good. And how was your day mom?

You: Uh, wow, you’ve never asked me that before…

Teen: Yes, I’m sorry about that. I’ve been so self-centered recently, but I plan to change that. I hope you can forgive me.

You: Of course. So, do you have any plans for the evening?

Teen: Well, I was thinking I could stay home and finish my homework. Then maybe I can help out around the house. Or run errands, whatever you need.

Junk Drawer Robot – Let’s face it, you are never going to organize your junk drawer (or in my case, junk house) and you probably can’t afford to hire a professional. That’s where the Junk Drawer Robot comes in. Simply charge it up, stash it in your junk drawer, and next time you’ll easily be able to find your receipts, your batteries, and the dead frog your son put there three years ago in case he needed it again.

Virtual Slimmer – The problem with most body slimming garments like control-top pantyhose, body-shapers, and rolls of duct tape, is that the slimming process is quite uncomfortable. For me personally, I’d rather stay in the house than have to wear something that makes me feel like a giant sausage. The Virtual Slimmer would solve this problem with no pain and no fuss. A computer chip implanted in a fashionable pin that you could wear with any outfit, the device would subliminally flash the dress or pant size you’d like to be to everyone who sees you. If you’re a 14 and would like to pass for a 6, simply set the tiny dial to the appropriate setting and Poof! Watch as your friends and relatives offer you seconds at dinner because you seem to be wasting away. Caution: May cause serious side effects if used by actual skinny people.

If you are a computer scientist or know one, please get to work on these ideas or pass them along right away. Time’s a wasting.

Leigh Anne Jasheway, M.P.H. is a stress management and humor expert who helps women and men manage stress, embrace change, and become healthier by learning to lighten up. She speaks at 50-60 conferences and workshops every year and has been a national Speaking of Women’s Health and Healthy Woman keynoter. She’s a member of the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor (AATH). Learn more about her at her website. Leigh Anne’s new book,Confessions of a Semi-Natural Woman(a collection of 99 of her funniest humor columns from the past ten’ish years – including the one that won the Erma Bombeck Humor Writing Competition – is now available at www.accidentalcomic.com) She also has a new blog. Of if she says, If you go there and like what you see, you can subscribe by clicking the subscribe button (who knew?)”